.Motherhood Musings.

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I’m terrified all the time. I was terrified the whole first half of the pregnancy that I would do something wrong, or that she’d get taken away from us like it heartbreakingly happens to many others. I became terrified the second half of the pregnancy of getting her here okay and what the delivery would be like. I’m terrified now of being this little girl’s mother. I’m terrified I won’t learn fast enough. That I’ll do something that can irrevocably change her in some way. I’m terrified that I’ll be too lenient, or too disciplined, or too understanding, or too harsh. I’m terrified that I’ll pour years into her growth and learning just for her to resent me later for something else unseen. I’m terrified I’ll damage her. I’m terrified of balancing everything and that the pups will get neglected, that G will get neglected, selfishly... that what makes up me will get neglected. I’m terrified that we won’t be able to provide enough, or that we’ll provide too much. I’m terrified that we’ll become nothing but chauffeurs and cease to be ourselves. I’m terrified of the unknown.

I believe that I’ve managed so far under challenges because I plan ahead. I have a planner, and then a long term to-do list, a weekly to-do list, and then a daily to-do list. I know I sound like a huge worry wart {I am a true catastrophizer in every way} but I work every day with damaged people. It’s not always families or situations that break people, sometimes it just takes a fluke of brain chemical composition, an unseen perfect storm of circumstances, for it to come crashing down. What if she gets sick? What if I've passed my family’s cancer gene to her? What if something happens to me and I have to leave her and G to fend for themselves? What if something happens to G and I have to do this alone? What if someone hurts her, how do I teach her to be strong when all I’ll want to do is hurt them myself? I’ve spent nearly a decade academically studying human behavior so I’m aware of the importance of having just enough boundaries in parenting, just enough love, just enough understanding, just enough teaching, just enough consequences, just enough encouragement, just enough letting people fall. How much is just enough?

I’ve shared some of these feelings of panic with a few and they’ve had similar statements of encouragement. Cole from the aptly titled blog Pacing the Panic Room summarized the wisdom that I still lack, but others already possess as I’m learning in this process. She wrote, “Trust the mom you are. You are the mom your child was meant to have.” That helps bring into perspective that G and I wanted our child for quite some time. Yes, we are young… but G and I share the best of ourselves with each other and we wanted to build those qualities into a family. That’s why we work, we have our flaws but in each other we find our purest parts and that is what I know has gone into our baby girl that has come in God’s own perfect timing. So I wait for the feeling of calm reassurance to wash over and fight to focus on the here and now… not the fears of the future.