.And now the resolutions.

I know, people think resolutions are stupid.  But I've always been a list-person.  Notebooks full of lists and planning and there is that joy that comes from scratching things off of your list.  I usually keep such writings private in case I make laughable progress, but I'm curious to see how I will do with the added accountability of posting my list here.  

So here goes nothing-

1. Eat more real food.

G and I have terrible habits.  Not so much of the fast-food, but definitely the processed-convenience foods.  We were able to justify it for awhile with me being in school and G starting a business and no energy to prepare anything, and isn't cereal just so much easier?  But we want to teach the girls better habits than that, and we won't be in our 20's forever and this could very well catch up to us.  Plus, we're not stupid.  We've seen all the documentaries.  So the plan is no fad diet or drastic move, but just to eat more real food, and eat for quality and nourishment, and not convenience.

2. Invest more in relationships.

Grad school really did a number on my relationships.  With working full-time and classes, I had such little energy or time to spend with anyone!  And that's terrible!  I want to be able to have more real conversations versus quick texts or emails.  I want more dinners and game nights and I want to really connect with the people in my life.

3. Read 15 books.

This may not seem like a lot to some, but with having to read tons of literature for my job, being able to read that many books for leisure sounds like a dream.  But I'm determined!  Less Netflix, more reading!

4.  Go on more local adventures.

We do not live in a large city.  We've gone through the list of local attractions.  I want to be find the hidden gems.  I want to discover things in and around my city that grow my appreciation for it and inspire me.  I know they're out there!  Now to find you!

5. Bike more.

I was pretty pregnant when we bought our bikes.  Now I am so ready for the warmer (or I'd be happy with just drier) weather to be able to get moving with this family!  Hopefully to help achieve goal 4!

6.  Simplify and de-clutter.

The amount of stuff 4 people can collect over time is shameful.  I'm not sentimental when it comes to those material things, so just taking the energy to purge and streamline is key.  But it is so needed because I refuse to need a bigger home just to house this stuff!  

7.  Surprise G with a trip.

Garrett is my partner in all.  It's nearly impossible to do Christmas and birthdays without consulting and working with him, so I think there'd be nothing better than surprising my love with a little exploring of our own.  

8.  Buy quality, not quantity.

I'm getting older.  It was bound to happen.  We work hard!  Why not be able to get to enjoy some of it?

9.  Save money.

I have a number in my head that I'd like to save for an investment (like maybe a new bedroom suite or  appliances) which should be fairly easy minus the whole bills, student loans (ahhhh!!), child care costs, etc etc expenses.  So cutting costs and being creative with our spending will be key.

10.  Drink more water.

I know, so boring.  But that's got to be the worst habit I have that is so easily fixable and has so many rewards.  So why is it so painful for me to do?  Who knows, but I've got to get better at it!

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It's not much, but at the end of the year, I will be a happier (and maybe better?) person after trying.  So we'll see how this turns out, but now that I don't have school to use as an excuse, I'm hoping to get progress on the other aspects of my life that have been long neglected.  Wish me luck!

.Introductions.

That feeling of meeting someone and yet just knowing that belonging.  That knowledge that there was always a distinct place for them and how quickly it feels natural and like it's always just been.  And this whole new future with them can be imagined all at once and it's no longer scary nor overwhelming, but just a part of your course.

Mila, what a wonderful shock to our system you've been.

Hello, I'm new here...

Amelia Sloan

"Mila"

Born June 3rd, 2013

 7:41am

 7 lbs, 13 oz

 20 inches

Sometimes, the moments just can't get much better you know?

P.S. The other most crazy/ beautiful thing we have ever done

It's a...

Dylan is going to have a little sister!!  

G is going to be outnumbered, in the most fun way.
We are so excited for you baby girl Tyler.

P.S. Pictures inspired by James's adorable family series, What We Wore.

.On working in mental health...

Time heals all wounds.  And if it doesn't, you name them something other than wounds and agree to let them stay. 

.Emma Forrest in her memoir.

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After the horrific tragedy in Newtown, there's been passionate discussion about what went wrong, what factors were most at fault, and what can be done to help prevent such a violent event in the future.  Everyone seems to be hurting together for these families.

Part of that debate is the long-standing challenges in mental health.  Working in community mental health, I see so many of these issues first-hand.  Daily, it's a struggle not to drown in the psychological and emotional needs of people in crisis, especially with such limited resources currently available in the mental health field.

As an intake counselor, it's a weary load to be responsible for initially assessing clients and determining an appropriate treatment plan within 50 minute appointments.  Take into account the amount of people served on a daily basis in community agency settings where insurance is few and far between and finances are an enormous obstacle (i.e. to afford therapeutic services or the astronomical costs of psychotropic medication), and it's just a small picture of some of the challenges faced by those on the front line.  Also throw in the amount of time spent shuffling through clients who may be malingering, whether to fraudulently obtain disability benefits, or for some other secondary gain.  Also add to this the follow-up necessary to actually maintain a level of stability in these client caseloads, with little pay, high stress, and high staff turnover... and it's no wonder burnout is so rampant in this field.  It's easy to become desensitized and demoralized when working in mental health, but at what cost?  The liability is high, and the rate of relapse higher.  There are so many obstacles on both ends of client and clinician to link people to the mental health services they need, and even more challenging when it's not what clients want or feel is necessary.  It is never easy to have to commit someone involuntarily, nor having to help guide families through such personal challenges.  And unfortunately, many times help comes as a reaction to an event, when prevention would be much more successful.

In my opinion personal support is vital, but prevention and early detection is key.  Availability of resources.  Knowledge of treatment options.  Reduction of stigma. Empowerment of clients and their families.  Advocating for self and the people you love.  And not just listening to people in need, but actually watching and noticing their behaviors too.  It's easier to ignore or push aside slight, worrisome comments with "it will get better" or "you just need to move forward," but until there is systematic change, we will continue to flounder to keep people well in a challenging world.

It. is. just. all. so. frustrating. and. sad.  I've always been dedicated to the cause, but this great suffering has reawakened my fire and the small part I may be able to play in the struggle.

P.S. To better understand severe mental illness from those who have lived it, I recommend reading Your Voice in My Head and An Unquiet Mind.  Also, this TED Talk is a haunting account of living with Schizophrenia, and this TED Talk helps to build understanding on hearing voices and living with the impact of trauma.

P.P.S. To hear another opinion about coping with the challenges of mental illness as a family member, please read this article.

.On following your dreams.

People these days do a lot of talking, but it has become the exception to the rule to actually do.  We all aim to follow our dreams, but how many of us actually yank, and pull, and grab our dreams by the horns to bring them into realization?

My tenacious and determined brother has made me so proud because he has made the move (at the mere age of 20!) to where he's always felt called to be, The City, the Big Apple, the City that Never Sleeps- NYC.  Against essentially every challenge possible thrown at him.

We're so excited to make a trip up there to visit soon and see New York with his eyes.  Congrats brother!  Oh yes, and make sure to check out some of his work here.

P.S. Other stories about my brother and what he does.
P.P.S. Picture Source

.Friday Insight.

This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find … themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. … they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.

Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? … Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe … life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

.Relevant magazine as seen here, via here.

.Army Crawl.

Dylan has been fighting to get mobile for weeks.  She's got the army crawl down though, so we know it's only a matter of time until we'll be chasing baby girl.  We took this video on my iphone (using the 8 mm app) last week as we were hanging out before bedtime.  I just can't get enough of her huge smile.

.Gender Reveal.

On Friday, we went to our dear friends' gender reveal party.  It was remarkable to see Raz and Ashley's expressions when they cut into their cake and saw the pink filling that told us all that Dylan will be having a new best friend come May.  G and I were grateful to be able to witness that lifechanging moment for two people so special to us.  Much congratulations you two, on the baby girl who will soon consume your hearts.

Ours sure has.

.The Day We Found Dylan's Ticklish Spot...

After a ridiculously long and taxing day, discovering baby girl's ticklish spot and making her laugh... really laugh in delight... is pretty much the best thing ever.  I'll make funny noises and do silly things all day to keep those dimples showing.

.Four Shots.

Yesterday baby girl had to have her two months check up which included four shots and a prick in her tiny toe.  Dylan's tears made me feel like I wanted to cry, but I was so proud of her for getting over the trauma quick enough to fall asleep in her carseat by the time we made it outside the pediatrician's office.  I always feel silly asking a million questions at our appointments, but unfortunately baby girl has been blessed with a neurotic mother.  This week was a rough adjustment now that I'm back at work and school, so I intend to soak up any free time I have and take it all week by week to avoid any breakdowns.  Taking care of myself, Dylan, and G's heart can be exhausting... but it also brings such joy.

My, how the weekends are always so welcome.

.Our Birth Story.

My due date came and went.  My doctor said that my body was showing no movement forward and that I would not be able to be induced until Wednesday, June 22nd.  Also adding to my comfort about labor and delivery?  My doctor also disclosed to me the week before that he would be out of town the entire week of my due date.  Wonderful.

Friday, June 17th started off a different day.  When I woke up that morning, I was pretty sure my water broke.  Without getting graphic, let's just say it's not like it is in the movies.  I called my doctor's office and was told to come in for an exam to confirm my suspicions.  My mother and I were pretty sure they were going to send me home, so we had plans to go out for breakfast after the appointment.  All we ended up doing after the doctor's office was go straight to the hospital because I was in labor.

Fast forward a few short hours of admittance into labor and delivery, signing way too many papers, being hooked up to machines and fetal monitors, and I was comfortable in my room reading my book, just waiting for the ball to get rolling.  I felt it was going to go smoothly because I wasn't even feeling my contractions at that point.  Then, my fill-in doctor came in.  Dylan's heart rate had slowed considerably and they were moving toward an emergency C-section in fears that in this continuining, she would lose oxygen to her brain.  That's when time slowed, and I had to remember to calm my panicked heart, for Dylan's sake.  Obviously, an unplanned C-section wasn't ideal.  Add that G was still at work because I told him to "finish up, this will take hours."  The doctor chose to give me some sugar water and wait a half hour to ensure that baby wasn't just in the middle of a sleep cycle before proceeding with surgery. 

After some time, her heart rate returned to normal and we were back to the original plan of a natural delivery.  G was at the hospital at this point and I sent him home to grab a few things I'd forgotten to pack in my haste that morning.  Right after lunch, her heart rate slowed again.  As I was only dilated 2 cm and labor was moving very slowly, the doctor made the decision not to take the chance and get Dylan out immediately.  They quickly began to prep me for surgery and put on my oxygen mask and I tried to stall as G was still at home getting our things!  Suffice it to say, after many panicked phone calls, G's speeding to the hospital again, and running up to the room out of breath, he made it in the nick of time as they rushed me to the OR. 

I've never had any medical interventions, broken bones, or time in hospitals period.  The next twenty minutes were the scariest of my life.  They separated G and I as they prepped me and started anesthesia.  Instantly, I felt a warmth in my legs and felt my bottom half go numb.  I could still feel everything, but not the pain; it was alot of pulling and tugging.  When G was allowed in the room I was beyond relieved.  It was quick and very clinical.  It's a strange experience, knowing that 15 people are in the room trying to get your child here safely and you're just laying on a table, pretty much useless at this point except to be the shell.  I felt helpless and completely out of control.  The only control I had was to remain calm and pray to find comfort.  G and the anesthesiologist narrated what was going on, and soon after a nurse put what I felt as heavy pressure on my belly and I heard the sweetest sound in the world... Dylan crying.  That's when I cried.  I cried that after 40 long weeks of worry, she was here.  I cried that now it was truly beginning.  I cried that I couldn't protect her from whatever complication was causing us to have to be in that OR.  I cried in gratitude of the hospital staff for taking such good care of us.

The worst part of the C section hasn't been the long recovery, or the scar.  It was that seemingly endless time from when she was born, to when I was finally able to hold her.  Yes, I was able to give her a quick peck before they shuttled her off... but I was forced to remain in recovery for an hour before I was taken back to my room to "meet" her.  It was the longest hour of my life.  My comfort was having G and my mother come see me in recovery and give me the report of how Dylan was doing in the nursery.  That's when I learned that the cause of her heart rate going down was that her umbilical cord was wrapped around her. Ultimately the doctor made the best decision under pressure as I would have almost surely had to have a C-section even after hours of labor.  I will be forever grateful for his quick and efficient decision-making.

When I was finally in my room, surrounded by family, and the nurse handed Dylan to me, all I could think was, "I can't believe you are ours."  We've been waiting for ours for some time, and finally we were meeting her.  I was finally able to stare at those little feet that have been kicking me for months.  I was finally able to see her face, and determine what parts of me and what parts of G she possessed.  I was finally able to hold her and know she was safe in my arms.

Much after that is a blur of friends visiting and calls to family as I was on heavy painkillers, but all I know is that I ended that day in the hospital bed next to G, with Dylan Grace in our arms, deliriously happy.  That's when G surprised me with my push present... a beautiful solitaire diamond necklace that I will one day pass down to Dylan and relive this story and the meaning behind the gift.  It was one of those days where you look up, close your eyes, and ask God how you ever deserved to be so blessed, but thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing it and I promise I won't take it for granted... ever.

.Dear Dylan.

 Dear Dylan,

The past few weeks have flown by in a blur of feedings, naps, playing, diaper changes, and kisses.  I keep trying to remind myself to take the attention and time to cherish these precious moments.  Right now I've learned some things about you, my sweet girl... you hate being cold, especially during bath time and diaper changes.  You love being in mama's arms, and when it's time to go to bed, you like your head laying near my chest; I think my heartbeat comforts you.  You love sleeping in mama and daddy's bed best, and many times you catch mama placing you back in your bassinet and it makes you cry.  You dream alot and your expressions say that some dreams are good, and some are bad.  What are you dreaming of baby girl?  You love being swaddled and you hate hate hate being burped in any position... you're already such a little lady.  You can already roll to your side, which I'm pretty sure isn't supposed to happen yet and you love to curl your hands around my fingers... you're touchy lovey just like your mama and daddy.  You're trying to figure out your hands and sometimes you succeed in things like holding your pacifier to your mouth (which is your most favorite thing in the world), and sometimes you're not so successful and bop yourself right in the face, which you don't find as entertaining as your mama does.  I love you more than anything beautiful girl.

Love you always,

your mama