Some have it all together. I am not one of those people. I put up a level-headed front (I think I say "I don't know how, but I'll make it work" at least a dozen times a day) just to try to convince myself that I can and will do all these things on my agenda. I also try not to complain, because a great deal of my stress is due to opportunities I should be so grateful for.
But...I just need to read! For fun! I need to finish the three books I've started! And go to bed before 1 am. And shut off email capabilities to my phone because I can never enjoy what I'm doing when I'm constantly being reminded of what I should be doing. And I want to watch documentaries in bed. I had this one queued for days and finally made myself take time out to watch it (I recommend it!)
And... sometimes I can't breathe with the amount of thoughts and deadlines running through my head. And I'll wake up in the most terrible mood and have to fight all day to get myself out of it. And I dread driving into work most mornings. Sometimes I feel so defeated in my quest to help my clients. And I also dread taking any time off because of the crises and heaps of work and problems I'll have to come back to. And I have a terrible attitude half the time because I am so tense, and so many things aren't fair, and I can't seem to choose to either get over this fact of life or just quit and focus on one thing, even though Garrett has told me, and advisers have told me, and family has told me, and supervisors have told me that I don't need to take on more than I can handle so I only have myself to blame. Why am I so stubborn? But also, why is life so easy for some?
So... this isn't one of those posts where I share tips on how to live a 'happy' or 'successful' life. I'm still figuring that out myself and I have many many bad days where all I can do is try to remember to breathe, stop feeling sorry for myself (the nerve I have!) and keep pushing forward. I don't share many of those bad days here though, because we all have those days, and why should I feel like my day deserves such a platform to spread my pitiful attitude? That's why this blog is so important to me. While I am so thankful for people who spend time reading this little corner, this blog is mostly for me. It serves to force me to reflect and reframe my experiences from a lens that I want to be lasting. The fun. The sweet. The adventure. The gratitude in all the lessons, big and small.